Dr Annie Kaszina explains why it’s so easy to miss the warning signs of Emotional Abuse

Sarah is a counsellor.  She’s a bright, caring woman who comes across as pretty savvy.  She’s also a long-term emotional abuse sufferer.  She doesn’t fit the stereotype a lot of us have about emotionally abused women.  But then, emotional abuse is an uncomfortable issue.  That’s probably why we imagine that victims are stupid, weak, and altogether different from how we are. 

The facts suggest otherwise.  Domestic violence affects 1 woman in 4 at some point in her life.  Emotional abuse doubtless affects many more.  Because there are no physical scars, it’s easy to underestimate the damage it does.  Sarah often says, “I wish he had hit me.  I would have realised what was happening, and left sooner…”  While victims of physical abuse often say an abuser’s words cause the longest- lasting damage.  An abuser’s words can destroy your sense of self from within, like acid. 

Onlookers often wonder, “How could anyone be so stupid?”

In fact, it’s not a question of stupidity.  It’s about a lack of awareness that goes way beyond the confines of individual responsibility.

It’s not as if Sarah, or any other woman, ever willingly signed up to the emotionally abusive lifestyle.  She didn’t consciously choose a partner who would routinely hurt, humiliate and reject her, as well as isolating her from her family and friends, and financially dispossessing her. 

Sarah simply wanted someone who would love her.  She had a hungry heart.  That’s why she didn’t pick up the warning signs of an emotional abuser.  Like most other women, she hadn’t been trained to watch out for emotionally dangerous men.

Red flags of an emotional abuser that women aren’t trained to respond to appropriately include:

• The hard-luck story about past ill-treatment – usually at the hands of parents, and past wives and/or girlfriends
• The selective charm – lavished on you, but lacking in his treatment of perceived ‘fools’, inferiors and underlings
• The 100 mph romance. (He hardly knows you, but he wants to be together forever as soon as ever he can.)
• The Mr Wonderful routine. (He wants you to know just how special he is.  Being with him makes you special too – but only by association.  Your specialness will only ever be fleeting.)
• The exclusivity. Together you form an exclusive unit; against the world (specifically your world).  This exclusivity soon becomes isolation
• The righteous anger.  When he is riled, he does NOT hold back.  (You might call it ‘assertiveness’.  Actually, it’s about power and control over other people.)
• The masterfulness/Alpha male routine.  This may be sexy in chick lit, but in reality it plays out as a need for psychological domination
• Wanting to know everything about you.  He’s especially keen to know about your vulnerabilities, your misfortunes, and your past relationship mistakes.  Not because he wants to make it all up to you.  But because, sooner or later, he’ll use them against you

The only appropriate response to these red flags is to walk away 

Why would you fall for an emotional abuser, in the first place?

Because your self-worth is low, and you just need someone to love you.  You may be reeling from a bereavement, a relationship break-up, or losing your job; or you could have been brought up believing that you’re not good enough.  Mr Wonderful offers you the promise that, if you stick with him, he will love you into feeling good enough.

Sadly, an emotional abuser does NOT improve on knowing.  The longer you’re with him, the more complacent he becomes.  The romance fades fast.  Before long, you’re a part of his hard-luck story, too; you’re another woman who treats him badly.  His ‘charm’ is increasingly replaced by anger and hostility.  He becomes more Mr Hyde than Dr Jekyll.

The man you fell in love with is less and less in evidence.  He blames it all on you.  You stay because you love the man you believe he can be, and because your self-belief is so low you believe him more than you believe yourself.  After all, you won’t find anyone else as Wonderful as (he says) he is. 

You stay because you believe him when he says you couldn’t possibly cope without him.

You stay because you just can’t see what’s happening.  Nobody ever taught you that there are men out there who can tell you that they love you, and get pleasure from making you feel worthless.  That’s so foreign to the way you operate that you just can’t believe it.

You stay because you just can’t see how bad things are really: after all, you love each other, don’t you?

You stay when all your friends and family beg you to leave, because he only has to tell you he loves you, for you to believe him all over again.  You stay, even when you know you should leave because you still hope against all odds that Love will win out in the end…

Annie Kaszina PhD, is a women’s empowerment coach who has spent over 10 years educating women about emotional abuse, so that they can stop struggling with disappointment and heartbreak and, instead, finally enjoy the wonderful life and the wonderful relationships they deserve.  Her award-winning book, Do You Choose Your Dog More Carefully Than Your Husband* is available from Amazon while her free report, The 7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal is available from Recover from Emotional Abuse 

*Affiliate link