Some of my guilty pleasures are slightly revolting, but I’m always one for oversharing, so I’ll tell you anyway:
Squirting cream straight from an aerosol can into your mouth
I used to do this to my kids to make them laugh; as well as into their ears and up their noses. And then one day I was eating strawberries straight from the fridge and saw the can. I don’t care what you think of me.
Going out without knickers on
If you wear a tight dress or trousers, knickers dig into stomach flab or cause VPL. The solution has been to struggle into a g-string that feels like your butt is being flossed with a rusty cheese wire; but what does this achieve other than to be able to say you’ve put some knickers on? Go pants free. No unsightly lines, no picking string out of your butt. You know it makes sense.
Chips and champagne
There’s nothing healthy about it – alcohol, carbohydrate, deep fat frying, salt. But I can tell you now, it’s the best comfort food in the world. Try it immediately.
Cheap chocolate I’ve stolen from my kids
I know I should like fancy schmancy very dark chocolate but I don’t. Give me a bar of Cadbury’s fruit and nut and I’m happy. I’m not proud of it, it’s cheap and nasty and I’m probably a sugar addict. Bite me.
Peeing in the shower
I’m sure more fastidious readers will find this unhygienic, but it’s just water going down a pipe with lots of soap and since I always need to pee and shower first thing in the morning this seems the most efficient way. Oh don’t look so shocked. It’s not like I’m doing a poo or anything.
Drunk Dolly Parton with a hairbrush microphone
3am, there has been drinking, and someone switched on the karaoke. The woman standing on a table using a hairbrush as a microphone and belting out “Nine to Five” in a fake southern drawl? That’s me, that is.
Secret heavy metal crushes
When I was a teenager I had a huge crush on Steven Tyler that has never really gone away. I am of course devoted to my family, but would I run away with Ivan Moody from Five Finger Death Punch? Hell yeah. In a heavily tattooed heartbeat.
Unreasonably losing my temper but using my inside voice
I am short-tempered by nature but have trained myself out of it, mostly to stop my kids from copying me. If you have just messed up, my face will be saying: “Well, not to worry!” But my inside voice will be barely containing: “Oh for heaven’s sake! You utter fool! How have you managed to be so incompetent? I leave you alone for FIVE MINUTES and this is what you do?!” And just so you know? I’m enjoying yelling at your deeply annoying face.