Author: Liz Dawes

Is the man in your life struggling to find a job he really likes? 

Does your partner feel he’d prefer more interesting work that reflects his true calling?  Perhaps he could be a research assistant to Professor Jean-Denis Rouillon.

The Professor has undertaken an extensive study of women’s breasts, and concluded that we would be better off not wearing a bra.  For fifteen years he has studied, weighed, measured and stared at the fun bags of three hundred women before concluding that: “medically, physiologically and anatomically” our racks gain no benefit from being supported by underwear.

Not for him the daily grind of paperwork and meetings and toadying up to the boss.  While you are all plonking yourselves in front of a screen every morning and ploughing through 200 new emails, he’s been warming his hands and picking which pair to squeeze first. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.

Luckily for us, the Professor has also paid close attention to nipples, observing that they would lift 7mm in a year towards the shoulder in those women not wearing a bra.  Said jugs would also become firmer and stretch-marks would fade.

Delve deeper into his work and you’ll find it was an even tougher job than first thought.  His research concludes that girls who wore bras as their boobs started to appear would soon become dependent, as the supporting muscle structure began to degrade.  He has managed to make lingerie sound like a class A drug that should be given a health warning and hidden from our perky youth.  Note that, in order to draw this conclusion, a large number of the women in his study must have been nubile young things who had never really bothered much with underwear and whose baps had yet to take a trip south.  How awful for the poor man.

The Professor has since clarified his findings on French radio, explaining that a woman in her forties with two kids probably would not benefit from binning her bra.  So he didn’t waste that much time looking at a pair he could already tie in a knot and fling over his shoulder.  No surprises there.

The research has yet to be formally published, and is not peer reviewed, so it’ll be a while before we hear what the scientific community has to say.  Can it be true that bras lead to the degeneration of the breasts “suspension system”?  Who knows.  But what we do know is this:

It has taken fifteen years of funded scientific research to tell you what a woman with a large pair has known all her life.  French men would prefer that we threw away our smalls and bounced about as pneumatically as nature intended.

No shit, Sherlock.