This week Liz Dawes is throwing caution to the wind and indulging in some seasonal food

It’s around this time of year that my diet starts to change.  As winter sets in, I begin to crave porridge for breakfast, warming soups with hunks of bread for lunch, and hearty pies and stews for supper.  Puddings come into their own too – sticky toffee, bread and butter and of course rice pudding; all utterly delicious.

Seasonal celebrations add to the face-filling.  Halloween sees the house filled with sweets and chocolates.  Bonfire night is accompanied by chilli and jacket potatoes (with candyfloss afterwards, of course) and Christmas…well.  At least three days of straight eating goes on then, and that’s before I start on the leftovers.  Add to all of this: wine, nuts, bubbly, more chocolates, egg nog, canapes and a late night nip of whisky, and you just about have the picture.

I can hear you all worrying about my trim physique at this point, but fear not.  As I scoff my way through this scrumptious lot, I shall gain not a single pound – for I have uncovered the secret of eternal slimness.

Traditionally we have blamed weight gain on calories (those nasty little gremlins that creep into your closet at night and sew your clothes a little tighter) but did you know that food only contains calories under certain circumstances? Without further ado, I shall reveal the ways to ensure your food has no calorie content at all.  Follow these rules and you can jaw your way through as many tins of Quality Street as you’d like:

Eating whilst standing: This is not really eating, it’s more “nibbling to be polite.” Christmas parties are a good example of this category, but in short anything consumed upright and in company isn’t a meal and doesn’t count.  It’s the science.

Event consumption: This covers popcorn, chips, beer, burgers, hog roasts and anything you partake of whilst near a bonfire.  Being outside in the cold whilst enjoying yourself burns any calories that you consume at the same time, meaning that your net intake is zero.  Fact.

After dark: Snacking leftovers from the fridge at midnight, grabbing a kebab on the way home, or getting the munchies after drinking are all covered by this category.  Calories, like all of grim reality, only show themselves in the harsh light of day. It’s the natural extension of Cinderella magic.  Trust me.

Eating when you’re not hungry: It’s a little known fact that your body only stores food when it is hungry.  If you snack on nuts, sweets, chocolates or crisps when you aren’t actually hungry, they just pass, un-needed, straight through you.  True story.

So there you have it.  As winter sets in, just follow these four handy rules, and you will waft, waif-like into the springtime…honest.