Author: Maggie O'Brien & Norman Wright Category: Health, Mental Health, Psychology
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Grieving is ageless

Although it’s inevitable to have very often suffered some form of loss by the age of 50, either a close family member perhaps or a good friend or colleague, or several, it seems to me to be get increasingly hard for other people to show any understanding at all, at such a sad time, now I’m older.

If, like so many people the very thought of reading or listening to something about grief is a turn off, then undoubtedly you will skip this.

If however you are struggling with grief or have struggled with grief, then maybe you will empathise.

I am rising 50, well in four weeks actually and although it was always going to be a tough one (because of who I am), nothing could have prepared me for the total ‘lost’ feeling after the recent death of my father.

Having already had the tragedy of my mother dying at 52 when I was in my twenties, I thought I would be able to handle things so much better.  I have been proved very wrong.

After a long and brave struggle with a rare form of leukaemia, my father contracted an infection and this combined with gross hospital negligence (makes it so much harder), he died fighting to live.  I am still there in that place with him and in a daze, overwhelmed with what has happened and sometimes on a daily basis, collapsing into a heap of howling grief.  Yes, it hasn’t been a year yet and I know it’s a time thing, but the biggest shock I have had is the lack of interest and complacency with which people respond, now I am older.

Oh, I know it’s something to do with expectations, I myself have sadly lost several friends with cancer, known lots of older members of the extended family die and I have grieved for them, but and it is a big but, I cannot understand why people don’t even try to comprehend the dreadful sadness that is grief.

I’m nearly 50, a mother of four myself, mature (supposedly) and of course life goes on but now I am an orphan, I constantly reflect on childhood memories, growing up, the various sayings and actions that made my parents who they were.

I now visit a double grave and feel so sad that such a huge part of my life has ended, they, my parents, helped make me who I am.

My own sister-in-law suggested only weeks after my father died that I might have clinical depression.  Having both her parents and never having lost anybody, I suggested she think again have a re-think, it was pure grief.  She is not a particularly hard person, but hers is a common view, grin and bear it and after all it’s going to happen.  In our 50’s our parents may well start dying off but isn’t that a bit callous, a bit too stoical.

Why is it that so many people untouched by things cannot at least try or even pretend to appear to try to understand?  It’s rather like when you try something on and you don’t really want an honest opinion, the same with being sad, even if someone is completely bored by it, perhaps they should pretend, I know I have. It doesn’t have to have been about grief but divorce, affairs, weight, God knows there are so many areas by the time you reach the big 50.

But, it matters.  Grieving is ageless.  A person may be hardened a bit, but the loss of parents is such a different one.

Spare a few thought for your friends if they are sad, it is very real and just because they are getting older it doesn’t mean it is any easier.

It’s with gratitude and thanks to Maggie O’Brien for sharing her feelings of grief following the loss of her father.  Norman Wright, responds to Maggie’s email.

What is grief?

Grief is a natural psychological, emotional and relational response to a physical, psychological, emotional or relational loss.  It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away.  You may associate grief with the death of a loved one – and this type of loss does often cause the most intense grief….read more here

Norman Wright MSc, Dip Sup, Dip SW Clinical Psychotherapist is the Founder of The Wright Initiative