Health, Mental Health, Psychology, Well-being
I define change as any event that changes life as we know it, including the obvious ones such as redundancy and bereavement. Others are empty nest syndrome which can affect Mums and Dads alike. Losing a beloved pet also falls under this category.
A huge change is ending a relationship. As with redundancy, there can be relief and a new sense of freedom but that’s not true for everybody. It certainly wasn’t true for me.
I was married for 37 years, feeling lonely and unhappy for much of the time.
A few years earlier I had started working with a coach and I began to get to know myself better, including figuring out what my needs and wants were – as opposed to deferring to everybody else’s needs and wants in the mistaken belief that paying attention to mine was selfish. Even so, I refused to consider the possibility that my marriage was the cause of my loneliness and unhappiness.
However, far from wasting time, my coach was enabling me to figure out what was really true for me and developing a strong inner resilience that allowed me, finally, to look at my marriage with clear eyes. And what I saw was emptiness. It may be true that the truth will set you free but that doesn’t make it any less painful.
Eventually, with the unstinting support of my coach, I finally decided that I deserved better. It was a decisive moment in my life – the moment when I made up my mind to leave my marriage and create a new life for myself.
The grief hit me with the bitter realization that my marriage was well and truly over, even before I told my ex that I was leaving him. The first thing that struck me about the process of grieving was just how untidy it is and how unpredictable.
Many of my friends couldn’t understand the depth of my grief or even the fact that I was grieving at all. After all, I had initiated the separation and was in the process of freeing myself to create a new life for myself, opening up a whole lot of new possibilities. Actually, I couldn’t understand it either. Instead, I found myself crying all the time which I absolutely hated. I knew I was doing the right thing and even listed all the reasons why I should be happy or, if not happy, then at least stop crying.
One day I decided to stop crying all the time but, when I told my coach, he exclaimed, “that’s the most stupid thing you can do!” As surprised as I was I was also relieved. I had come to notice that there was a pressure in my chest that would build up and up until I had no option but to burst into tears.
Since it looked like I had no choice in the matter, I decided to let myself feel whatever I was feeling and cry when I felt the urge. I also decided to stop trying to understand why I was crying or try to justify it to myself and others. The relief was huge. I realized that treating myself compassionately was the only way I would be able to get through this experience.
I also began to look after myself better, including no longer pretending I was all right when I clearly wasn’t and doing things that would nurture me, physically and emotionally.
Plus, I told my friends that I wasn’t leaving my marriage because I no longer loved my ex but because I finally accepted that I deserved better. That made it much easier to live through those early months.
But, over the next couple of years, I also discovered that grief can strike at any time, an experience that, temporarily, knocked me for six. My focus changed from sadness to the pain and rage I only rarely expressed. This time, it was directed not only at my ex but also at myself for having stayed so long.
I also discovered that losing someone is not the only loss that leads to grief. Any kind of loss can cause us to grieve – deeply or momentarily, depending on the loss and each one deserves that we treat ourselves with patience and compassion.
The most important thing I learned is that wasn’t alone. My friends were there for me but it’s true to say that it was my coach who helped develop my inner resilience and the wisdom that, even today, makes it easier for me to deal with life’s challenges.
If you would like to know more about coaching, please go to my website Sue Plumtree
